Balancing the Desire for Casual Encounters Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership

Being a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, mostly pleasurable years pursuing casual sex with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership that lasted four years, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I didn't experience love nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Whenever I start to date any man, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to have sex with new partners once more.

Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy

Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, but from my observations, they have seemed demanding, often resulting in lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I want a partner to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I fear the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just keep having casual sex and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I’m feeling somewhat confused.

Each individual's intimate path varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to tolerate various forms of intimate connections as fixed. What you need as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you might become more decisive and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or not. At some point you could encounter a person who provides a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters are best for you. Worrying about the future and engaging in endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay present with your partners, and see the value of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if you are ever ready to deepen genuine closeness with one partner, it will be clear.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American therapy professional who specialises in treating sexual disorders.